wine and pizza.

Last night A and I enjoyed a fabulous dinner for free at a local pizza joint. We had never been to said pizza joint before, but I was doing food review for tablecritic.com (which I do once or twice a month) and it turned out to be this great place that had been around since the 1940s.

As we munched on our pepperoni, artichoke, garlic and spinach pie and sipped at our $11.00 carafe of the house Burgandy, we ended up discussing all sorts of things. A new job opportunity (let’s just say VP is part of the title) that A wants to apply for, and is very well qualified for. Buying our “forever home” in Vermont in a few years. Wedding djs. The upcoming holidays. And religion.

A is Jewish and I’m a halfbreed (my dad is Jewish but my mom doesn’t identify, at least not since I’ve been aware of things like religion, with anything), but we both want to raise our kids Jewish. I didn’t grow up identifying with any particular religion and I feel as though I lacked that extra layer to lean on when I could have used it. Religion, no matter what you believe, provides a great sense of community and faith. It can really be a crutch when times get tough or confusing. I want my kids to have that.

A wants me to think about converting myself and it has been something I’ve been thinking about, but I don’t know where to begin reading up on Judaism. I need to learn more in order to reconcile my individual sense of faith and spirtuality, that I was brought up to foster, with a whole history of faith of belief that I can only begin to wrap my head around.

Any suggestions of a good place to start? what interfaith couple struggles have you encountered?

Detox

So I am on day 5 of my beautiful detox cleanse and boy am I hungry. Although I love sipping on herbal tea and munching on fresh fruits and vegetables, I would give anything for a cup of coffee and a bagel and creamcheese right about now. A big plate of whole wheat fettucini would be grand, too.

But I do feel a lot cleaner, both inside and out. One thing that doing this detox has taught me in the past, is that freeing your life of food for a few days, frees your life of so many other things. You’re forced to deal with a lot of raw emotion that you might otherwise shove deeper inside along with your piece of pie or filet mignon. Not that food is bad. I love food more than anything. It’s a huge part of my life and I hope to one day make my career solely about food. BUT spending all that time thinking about, preparing and eating all of that food takes up more of my energy than I would otherwise have thought if it weren’t for these cleanses.

The fiance does them with me and loves them for the weightloss aspect and the fact that he doesn’t get heartburn or bloated nearly as much. I guess I sorta like all of those physical aspects too, but the emotional unblockaging is just incredible to me.

This time I dealt a lot with my anger and frustration towards my current master’s program and ended up dropping one of my classes to pursue some of the other things I’m really enjoying in my life right now. I really want to dive headfirst into practicing the guitar, I want to have time to cook for us more often, I want time to play with my puppy, my friends, my fiance. I want to focus on the class I am still taking and to do kickass work at my dayjob. I want to work on some wedding projects and not feel guilty about it and I want to take on some freelancing articles to remind myself why I got into this whole writing thing to begin with.

And I’m suddenly feeling freer and less agitated about everything. I slept like a rock for the first time in months last night. And it felt great.

Almost as great as that bagel will feel Thursday morning when I break this “fast.”

Family Matters.

I posted most of this as a comment over at Accordians and Lace, but I’ve been thinking a lot about all of this myself and wanted to post something about it here, too.  Almost every morning I try to go for a run and when I’m running, I like to work through a lot of things that are bugging me or that I need to organize or visualize. The one topic that I keep coming back to, however, is my relationship with my mother and how freakin’ angry I am.

I’m grappling with this anger, wrestling with it, and I’ve only just begun wedding planning. Of course, there are years of anger already at play after being tossed in the middle of a painfully long divorce where I played mediator and banker for my mother. I’m not complaining, I assumed these rolls without hesitation, but it kills me that now that it’s all over she has completely removed any memory of my participation or support during one of the rockiest periods of our family’s history together.

She has never acknowledged what I did for her or what I went through emotionally (only my brother, who lived at home during it could have felt anything or been affected, surely!) playing mediator to my two parents as an emotionally undeveloped teenager. “You have no idea what it was/is like” is a phrase I hear all too often from her.

I spent 5 years of my life very depressed. Five years when I should have been having a blast and living it up in college, I spent trying to calm my parents, pay my mom’s legal bills, work through the anger towards my father for cheating on all of us, all while I found myself bouncing  in and out of abusive relationships and doing abusive things to myself.  Through all of this my mother never said a word  to try to comfort or help me. To let me see the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, she told me to stay in an apartment with a man who repeatedly bruised me because “she had dealt with bullshit for 22 years.” And so I could deal with some abuse  for a measly 6 months until a lease ran out.

I remember the day I told her I was really enjoying the time I was spending with who is now my fiance. I had spent months healing myself, taking myself on vacation, writing, crying, working through my own personal issues and had come out the other side to find myself alive and vibrant and with someone who helped me remember and begin to actualize all of the hopes and dreams I forgot I had.

Me: “Mom, I feel like I’m in something healthy and I’m incredibly happy about it. I forgot what it was like to be happy in a relationship. Or happy period.”
“Well you don’t have to fucking marry him just be cause you’re happy,” my mom snapped back, visibly angry.

I guess I showed her! But my relationship with my mom has gone even more downhill since that moment over 2 years ago. And I know that I can’t change her. I can’t make her see that my fiance is not my father and is a truly loving, caring individual. I can’t make her see that my father isn’t an evil ogre out to get her and my brother (though he does have his head up his ass a little too often.). I can’t make her see that I’m not a 13 year old girl obsessed with neon green mini skirts, Marvin the martian and anything my mom is into. I can’t make her see that she doesn’t get to scream at me about who from my dad’s family I can and can’t invite to our wedding or that I can’t allow any small children to come.  I can’t make her see that I’m happy and healthy and doing so awesome out here on my own. And I can’t make her see that the reason our relationship sucks is even partially her fault. I’ll take half the blame –relationships do, afterall, take two.

Our wedding day, no matter how spectacular, will never change any of this. My marriage, no matter how spectacular, will never change any of this. I just hope she can let loose and enjoy herself. Even if just for a moment.

Invitation Inspiration

I either want to do something beachy or something newspaper-y for our wedding invites — these are some of my inspirational pictures:

South Pacific Dancers.

I don’t know why but today I am hell-bent on having  perform during our cocktail hour. We’re gonna be on the beach and I have sort of always hated the awkward small talk that takes place during a cocktail hour, everyone waiting for the “actual” reception to begin.

Hopefully all of the awkwardness will be gone after an awesome welcome party the night before, but I think a Samoan Fire Dance and some kick-ass drumming will totally  melt whatever ice remains.

or is this shamlesslessly tacky? or does tacky not really matter, as Ariel of Offbeat Bride tells me?

To sing?

A and I have recently started kicking around the idea of singing/playing a song together at our wedding instead of doing the more traditional first dance. I love the idea of a first dance, but the thought of having everyone watch me trip over my own feet for 5 minutes sort of horrifies me. I guess we could take dance lessons, but I’ve tried that before, too, with little to no influence on my coordination. I am still a klutz and will likely always be one.

I’ve come to terms with this, everyone in our families and groups of friends knows this about me, but I guess I’m just not willing to put that particular weakness on display. It’s always on display, really, I just don’t want everyone to painfully aware of it all at the same moment.

But learning an instrument and how to sing better — now that’s something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do!! And what better motivator to learn something, than committing yourself to a performance? There’s already a set date and time. I usually work well with that kind of deadline pressure.

A feels the same way — music is something we’ve both wanted to have in our repertoires and yet neither of us was ever in band or choir. We both missed the boat on that one, but why not start now? This could unleash a whole new side to our relationship and to us as individuals. It could add new depth and personality, something to work towards and be proud of.

Now we just need a fantastic duet to learn…

Suggestions?!

Quick Cupcake Rant.

Just a quick one:

At a break at work I was perusing the bridal blog world and stumbled across this post @ DIY Bride:

“There has been some recent discussion among my wedding industry peers about serving cupcakes in lieu of a wedding cake. The consensus with planners and bakers is that they’re played out. But, you know, these guys see these things over and over and over all year long. I’m sure they’re sick of things before many of us even know they’re a trend.

What do you say? Are cupcakes in or out?

n

Are cupcakes in or out?

• Definitely in.
• Out, out, out.
• It depends on the presentation.
• I’m totally undecided.

View Results

What does DIY Bride say? I’m in the “depends on the presentation” camp. I had cupcakes at my wedding in October 2000 and they were just becoming popular then. 9 years later I’m finding they’re pretty played out BUT every now and then someone finds a clever or new way to make them seem fresh and exciting again. And, really, I can’t begrudge anyone that serves cupcakes. They rock!”

I just can’t believe that anyone would tell someone not to serve cupcakes because it’s too trendy, or was too trendy and is no longer “the thing to do.” I want to serve cupcakes because I love them, why do I care if it’s trendy or indie or overdone? Wedding cake “has been done,” for sure, and no one would ever tell you not to do that!

Cleansing

Back in May, A and I decided to do this guided food cleanse through my yoga studio. With all the stress and busy-ness in our lives, sometimes we forget that eating healthy and exercising every day is important (actually, I run every morning, well, almost every morning, but getting A up at 5:30 to run with me is an unrealistic goal…). I decided it would be a great way to waken up our bodies for a long, cold and snowy winter and enter into our “new” spring bodies.

Seven days of carrots, grapes and water makes you transform in ways I never knew. Of course, there are people out there that eat this way all the time, for sure, but I’m sort of, kind of a foodie who is sort of kind of getting a degree in journalism with the hopes of being a food writer, so I sort of kind of don’t always care (though I *do* always think) about the health factor of the food I’m putting in my mouth.

Anyway, the cleanse really helped me acknowledge my sometimes abusive relationship with food and made me back down. Everyone in the group meetings was very emotional. It really helped A and I connect again after having a tough winter together.

And so it is with gusto and enthusiasm that I signed us up for the Fall version of this same cleanse:

“Hi Lauren,

So great to hear from you (and to run into you at dinner a few weeks ago!)

A and I have actually been waiting with bated breath for the fall cleanse. Get this: we’re EXCITED to do it. In the midst of planning a wedding (we got engaged this past June), I’m sure it will be amazingly clarifying and restorative.

So yes, sign us up. We will both be there in all our glory. Should I bring a check to the first meeting? Should I make it out to you, Daniel or to Inner Strength?

Thanks! See you on the 26^th!”

It starts on September 27th, the day after our first group meeting, and lasts for 7 days. I am trying to decide if I want to use that period as a cleanse from the wedding world, too. I feel like I need it.

Has anyone else ever done this kind of thing? What about right before a wedding in order to clear your head? any other great head-clearing methods for anytime?

What I’ve done so Far

I realized just now that I should probably fill people in on what I’ve already done for my wedding so far. I’ll probably do a fill-in on myself at some point too, but since the  this blog was meant to be about “planning a wedding” and less about my life’s story, I’ll save some of those details for later, or let them come out in their own time, in that sneaky way very personal details tend to appear out of nowhere.

So, timeline:

Engagement: June 7, 2009. We spent the morning on the beach and the day with each other, even when we were with others. The evening was comprised of one long table, chicken fingers, mudslides and friends laughing.

The next few months were spent brainstorming what sort of venue we wanted and spreading our news to family and friends. We thought New England in the fall would be so much fun and spent several weekends in Vermont, waxing poetic about the beauty of the mountains and the trees. We were also told by many places that the average prices of weddings at their particular venue was between 75 and 100k. That is, realistically, a fairytale budget, and we walked away from several places we loved with our tails between our legs. So I started looking south.

August 4th, 2009. We booked our venue and set our date (October 16 2010) at Pierre’s Restaurant in Islamorada, Florida sight unseen. So far I absolutely completely 100% love it. Not only is it on the beach, but it’s beautiful and the people are so kind and laid back, it makes me more relaxed just thinking about it. Plus, I get a very much needed winter vacation in the Keys where I’ll get to sample menu items and cupcake flavors. You will hear no complaints from this girl about that!

August 28th, 2009. I went wedding dress shopping with some of my best girl friends and A’s mom. I fell in love with two, but later realized it was really just the one, when I was only listening to my own voice.

September 1st, 2009. We booked our photographer. Matt and Enna are fanastic and kind and their work is amazing. This was the biggest chunk of our budget, for sure, but I am almost positive I won’t be disappointed. I’m picky about photography and there’s is truly art. Plus, A and I would completely go out to dinner or drinks with these people, they are just that cool and chilled out. I’m actually looking forward to our engagement shoot. *I* am looking forward to having my picture taken, to being the center of attention. Weddings are powerful creatures.

September 9, 2009. I ordered my wedding dress!!!! I am beyond excited. Even though my mom said something sarcastic about “sticking to a budget,” I have love this dress forever and saved for it and feel completely like myself in it. I can’t wait until January when it comes in!

Also in there is when A and I got our adorable Klezmer, I started my new job, A implemented Electronic Health Records at his job, and I started my second year of graduate school. It was a crazy summer and one I will never forget.

The End of Summer

As summer speeds off towards the finish line, I can’t help but think about how quickly this has all whizzed by me, with little time for reflection and processing. It seems like yesterday that A and I went for a walk on the beach (it was the only nice day in all of June in New England) and came back engaged, the sweet smell of champagne kisses on our lips. I’m sure it will still feel as close when I walk down the aisle over a year from now.

Wedding planning is the opposite of all that bliss I felt the day we got engaged. Planning this thing that is bigger than me has been chaotic,  cacophonous. And it’s only just the beginning!

I guess It’s been difficult, especially, because my mother has been anything but positive. From my current hair style, to our new puppy, to my initial desire to get married under fiery autumn foliage (before we chose our cheaper, less stressful venue in Islamorada, Florida, which I LOVE) she has had only mean-spirited things to say.

“I see you’re growing your hair out and letting it go curly again, unfortunately” (I’m not, I’m just 2 weeks too late on a haircut)

“you’re bringing your dog? I didn’t realize you were one of those a**holes.” (she asked what we’d do with the dog while in the Keys)

If it were up to her, there’d be no pets, no kids (fight number 1), no one from my dad’s family (fight number 2) and I’d be wearing something perhaps my 13-year-old self would have found flattering (constant battle). Finding myself happy with A and happy with myself has completely unraveled our relationship. The sadness washes over me in waves.

So as the time and emotions zip by me, I live for those moments and those days, when it’s just the two of us, A and me (and the occasional animal), and we settle into a stillness, a seductive slowness.  When I come up for air, I feel like I’ve been away for years and I can handle everything again. Writing helps, too.